fit for an emo song

They've built apartment buildings on my youth. Where the Bay State movie theater use to stand, there are now apartment buildings and I was just crushed to no longer see the parking lot I used to hang out in with my friends following a good movie. Senior year of high school, where did you go?

This is a city of dead memories. Where's Chris Carraba when you need him to write an emo song? I'll even throw in a long haired girl in a summer dress with the wind blowing her hat away if it'll make the song more picturesque. I'm just not sure where I'll find said girl. I guess I'm just growing up and out of this fish bowl city but am too chicken shit to make that leap out. Le sigh indeed.

fragile and thin

I almost wished he would say I've been eating for you but that would make us more attached and dependent than ever. More than I want, more than I want to handle. For a week, I walked around the arctic east and each day, I sorely missed some boy on the sunny west coast that my heart ached. It ached not for him, but because of him. I don't want someone else to complete me, I don't want to believe that I'm not whole unless I'm with him. So for a week, I mourned what I was while entranced by big city lights. I have become dependent on him because I want someone to understand the inane trials I put myself through. Now I'm starving for affection and utterly angry that I don't know how to be whole on my own accords. But I'm working on that eating thing, so I'm not falling apart in all areas.

Now and then

NYC is gorgeous the way a Jackson Pollock painting is, full of color and chaos. And when I left, I realized how enamored I was by that city and can't wait to go back. But now I find myself back home in a place all too familiar yet foreign. It's always that same feeling when I come back that I can't pinpoint but it's as if I'm viewing everything through blurred lens. I recognize the outlines of the same buildings and peoples from before but they're all changed. But so it goes, and here I am to spend the next two and half week reverting back to a complete geek stage where I'll be reading comics, watching all the movies I haven't seen in theaters the past year and gaming my little heart out. Final Fantasy, how I have missed you.

Hello free time

All is done. Fall quarter ended about 24 hours ago for me and it's painful to watch everyone still struggle about because at this point, you kind of see resignation in their eyes. Some determination, but more so, that want for finals to just end. So I suppose it doesn't help that the moment I was done, I pranced. I freaking pranced and danced and twirled to show how happy I was.

But now I don't know what to do with my free time? Oh woe is me. How I am fortune's fool. Perhaps I'll catch a sunbeam or two before being whisked away to the arctic east. Temptations abound to just do nothing, but I now remember one temptation these past days as I sat huddled by my desk looking over obscure facts on German medicine and Prussian wars: how nice it would be to just chain smoke the hours away.

Instead I crocheted and did crossword puzzles to make me feel smart. Free time shouldn't exist. It should only happen when we're pressed for time because that's when all the fun starts.